I don't proof read these.

I have, over the years, grown accustom to a certain feeling of warm, bubbling anticipation. What exactly it is that I am anticipation, I am not entirely sure. It is this excitement that boils to the top, over flowing my emotions with an undue passion for what is to come. Like a renewal of my self and a beginning of something new. But again, exactly what it is that I am anticipating and expecting is completely lost to me. I just know that it happens to me every year when the leaves start to turn and October is about to swift away my summer for good. (With the exception of the year that I was in Hawaii, that year was completely different from every other year…) I think that I haven’t really felt in tune with the seasons in my life for a while, so I’m happy that the feeling has returned, and I’m happy that I can contain it better than when I was younger. Because this feeling makes me feel soo expressive, I am just overflowing with the desire to express my heart to anyone and everyone. Okay, so, I don’t perfectly contain it, as you will see. I’m going to use this opportunity to just talk like crazy and spit out this inner dialog that has been following me around all day! (how very un-Buddhist of me).
So, there I was, standing behind this guy in the dining area at the VU (which have a very beautiful view of the bay, btw) waiting to pop my lunch in the microwave. You can help but notice a person waiting for you in such close proximity. He nervously glances at me. I know exactly how he feels. Or at least I think I do. This inner battle with our human nature and our social constructs. One is telling us, “oh, look- it’s a person. I know that person is there. That person knows I’m here, and they know that I know that they are right there. Next to me. And I’m going to ignore them and pretend that they are not there (even though we are both perfectly aware of each other) because that is the normal thing to do [in our particular culture in this particular context]. We think. But we are not sure.” Gyah! So what do we do? Well, he will stare intently at his food (which doesn’t ever rotate) while I glance back at my bag that I had set at a table to reserve my seat, next to another person I don’t know. I felt that the location was good. A view out the window, so I appear to be preoccupied with the beautiful view, rather than spacing out at a wall as I chew my lunch. Nervous microwave guy has already made himself feel awkward by giving himself away (he knows I caught that nervous glance at me… that will always jab your pride a little). He is almost gleeful to look busy grabbing his food and walking away. I put my food in and someone moves in behind me. I set it for 1 minute and immediately regret that move. What if it wasn’t long enough? If I open it and poke my food and put it back in, is it like taking 2 turns? I quickly decide that I don’t give a shit, I’m not waiting in line again, but to my relief the food is steaming. Usually I make small talk at the microwave to feel less like an ass (which I’m sure has reverse effects) but not today. I didn’t get 4 shots of straight espresso for nothing. I grab my food and move back to my stuff. I find that nervous microwave guy is shocked to find out that he accidentally sat right by my stuff, at the same table with only the protection of 1 chair between us. He does his nervous double glance at me and having been caught a second time looking nervous, he nervously shoves his face back into his book and crams food into his mouth. After that, he glances at me a couple more time, thinking that I don’t notice, and relaxes when he’s comfortable in the knowledge that I don’t seem to notice or care that he’s been today’s nervous guy. Why the hell do I notice all of this? Because quite often I am caught playing the role of nervous girl.

Time to rant. Why the hell don’t we just talk to each other??!?!?!? Well I will tell you why. This very important social rule protects us from having to talk to crazy or annoying people. It also means that if you break the convention you A) no longer be under the protection against annoying people, and/or B) make one of those crazy/annoying people think that because you went so far out of your way to break down that social barrier that you must really like their company and even very likely want their man-chicken (or chick-chicken). Because of course, we want to sleep with every random stranger that we talk to.
But putting that aside, I really hate this social barrier. Sometimes I just want to talk to people. One cold winter day this very beautiful older woman came up to me at the bus station and told me why such a beautiful girl like me looked sad. She said some encouraging works and she made my heart glow with warmth and appreciation for the kindness of human kind. She broke down a social convention to be my angel. I loved her for it and decided that I would go get that warm toasted bialy from the bagelry… wait. Do you think she would have said those words to me if she had known that I had been wondering if I had time to get a bagel before the bus came? It didn’t matter. She touched my heart. Maybe I needed to have that special moment with myself, walking down the street holding and tasting my warm bialy, from a local small business. Maybe I needed that comfort. And needless to say, it made my day a little special.
But it need not be warm fuzzies and comfortable carbs all the time. Sometimes these barriers make people feel lonely. I’m sure I’m not the only lonely person out there floating around. Sometimes I wish someone would just talk to me, other times I’m actually a little weirded out when they do. I think that’s because mostly it is the creepy people who ignore the social rules. I wish that maybe some normal people would talk to people too. Nothing is more awkward than a bus packed full of bright, nice people who are all trying to avoid eye contact with each other.

oh how special.

I took myself out on a date today. went to a temple, had afternoon tea under a waterfall, walked through a clasical chinese garden. then I took myself to a date movie, the proposal. then i was locked out for 2 hours, so i took myself to starbucks, bought myself a greentea frappe, and sat on the board walk looking across the bay at Hong Kong city lights. I held my hand. I'm so romantic, i think i'm in love with me. I think I want to ask me for another date.

Magical places and gifts from the heart

Going to Lantao Island
We got up at a reasonable hour (which was a bit earlier than what I’d been doing) and left the house around 9:30. Grabbed some food (I got a Japanese tuna roll from the bakery- very typical breakfast) and jumped on the bus to Jordan’s subway station. Because we were going to Lantao Island, the subway went under the ocean water and back up onto a beautifully less populated island full of green flora. Once we got to the station, because the sky cable ride was down for maintenance, we took the bus ride up the mountain (the bus really struggled up the slopes). It was absolutely beautiful. You had beautiful mountains on one side of you and ocean with scattered islands and boats on the other side of you, with that perfect humid haze to make it look like a dream or some sort of mystical land. The guide book said it wasn’t jaw droppingly huge, but the statue of the Buddha made my jaw drop, it was so big and beautiful and peaceful feeling and many more “and’s”. I was happy. Walking up the stairs to the statue, it looks like he is looking down at you in his meditative gaze. And all around the statue there were dragon flies, nearly swarming. Like a nest of faeries. Magical. I really loved going there. Even if it was made into such a touristy destination, it was still great. And I somewhat enjoyed the small tourist village built next to it. There was a cool tea shop that had Chinese tea ceremony demonstrations for free and I ended up buying some really special flower tea’s. Also, they had a promotion where if you buy $88 worth of stuff in the shopping area (that is about $11 USD) then you get a free subway pass back you where you are going.
The next day was also a lot of fun. I went with my new friend, Lantai, to her grandmother’s birthday banquet. First she took me to a temple that had a big and beautiful garden, then we stopped by her grandmother’s house and she gave me these cute Chinese paper folded animals. One was a bunny and the other was a swan. She said she would make me a boat too, if I wanted (wish I would have said yes) but I told her it might be hard to take home on the plane (I already had 2 that will have to be taken on carry-on). She had a ton of them all over her house. Made me think of my crafty grandma! One of the funny things that Lantai's grandma would do several times would be to turn to me and say, "do you understand what i'm saying," in cantonese and pointing at her chest, then i would look down, grab my necklace and go, "hugh? this?" and she would laugh (she was really cute).
Dinner was a lot of fun; Lantai’s family is very expressive and fun. I enjoyed talking to her cousin and her dad was definitely the funny guy of the family. I found myself wanting to stare at Lantai’s Grandma’s Maid, Milla from Indonesia. She had such a friendly, beautiful smile that I couldn’t help thinking that Indonesia must miss her.
I ate a lot of new foods that day; I was feeling quite brave. I had octopus, jelly fish, shark fin soup, snale? (she said it was a creature with a spiral shell?), some mystery shell fish that comes in a hinged shell, Lantai says, sort of like an oyster or a clam, but neither of them really. I’m sure there was something else, but I can assure you that on no occasion do I ever imagine myself eating sea cucumber. Looks way too jiggly and jelly and like fat really. I already know I don’t like eating chunks of fat, so no need.
It was really a special event and I had a lot of fun. I can tell now that I’m gunna need a decent job eventually, so that I can come back and bring presents! They have all given me so much! I’ve always felt a little uncomfortable about receiving gifts from people when I don’t feel like I can pay them back, but I think on this trip, the big life lesson I am learning is how to receive. Soooo, for everyone now and in the past and in the future who has given me so many gifts in life, I thank you and hope that I can someday return those gifts, to you or to someone else.